Invader Number Lucas
by Yellowfur
Summary: -EMPIRE RECORDS- Mark and Eddie decide that Lucas can't be human and go on a mission to answer the question: What IS Lucas?


"No, but wait, wait, Mark, this is serious. Listen. Do you ever wonder if there's more to people than just what we see, what's on the surface?" Eddie looked soulfully at his hands. They must have looked very oddly colored, considering that he and Mark were not only in bad lighting but also surrounded by a haze of pot smoke.

Mark didn't listen. He was too busy looking around. "I had never been inside of Berko's shack before." He looked over his shoulder, then up, then all around again.

"I don't think anyone ever has."

"Wait. You did say he let us come in and smoke pot, right?"

"Mark, do you ever think there's more to Gina?"

"You mean what if she's actually got brown hair?"

"No… sometimes she seems kinda ditzy. What if she's a genius and she's analyzing all of us?"

Mark dwelled on it and bit his lip. "But… Gina's more clever and stuff than you and me. She makes all these snappy comebacks." He giggled. "I can never seem to get those!"

"Yeah, yeah, you're right. Well, what about Berko? He lives in this shack. But what if he doesn't? What if he just wants us to think we live here? Maybe he lives somewhere nice or something."

"And he just doesn't want us to feel bad!"

"YEAH! It could be!"

"And you know what else? You know Lucas?!"

Eddie's eyes widened. "Yes…"  
Mark bobbed up and down on some cruddy couch in anticipation. "What if Lucas is…" He stopped bobbing and frowned.

"What's wrong?"

"I don't know what Lucas is."

Eddie looked down in thought and began mulling over what must be the many layers of Lucas.

Mark tapped his feet on the dark gray carpet.

Eddie thought.

And Mark tapped.

"Yo, Mark, what if Lucas… is not like us?"

"You mean like he's Mexican or something?"

"What? No, I mean like if he's a different… mortality."

"Mortality?"

"Yeah. He's not human."

This had never occurred to Mark before. Or maybe it had… maybe he had assumed all this time that Lucas was inhuman and never spent much time thinking about this. "But what if he's just human? How do we know?"

Eddie swallowed. "I think we have to do tests."

"Whoa."

"Yeah."

"This is so scary!"

"It's for the good of society!"

"We're heroes! Innovators!"

"WE'RE GONNA HAVE SO MUCH GOOD KARMA!"

------------

Eddie had a clipboard and a plastic bag. "First on the list… zombie."

Mark looked over the shelves in the janitorial closet (Mark was in there the most anyway) and wrung his T-shirt nervously. "How do we test for that?"

"We have to see if he's interested in eating brains."

"How do we do THAT?"

"Mark, Mark, Mark…" Eddie shook his head and reached into the plastic bag. "Don't you think I would have come prepared?"

"Is that… what is that… is that cow brains?"

"Yes. This is a jar of cow brains."

It was a jar of cow brains. Mixed with some blood, probably, because it was quite red. It was a lovely-looking, clotting, clumpy, thick, pungent jar. You're so jealous.

"But what if it doesn't work, Eddie? What if he only wants human brains?" Mark kept looking from Eddie to the jar, then to the door.

"Tell him it's human brains. If he's a zombie, he won't notice a difference."

Mark was about to say something, but bit his lip, hoping that maybe if he didn't say anymore flaws in Eddie's logic out loud, maybe they just wouldn't exist. Mark took the jar and left the janitor's closet. The break room was empty until AJ came in.

"Oh, hey AJ!" Mark clutched the jar to his chest and ran over to AJ.

"What's up, Mark. Oh, hey, what's that?" AJ cocked his head to the side as he looked at the cow brains.

Mark froze. "It's, uh, um, it's lunch."

"…Okay… What IS i-"

"Have you seen Lucas?! I really gotta talk to him!"

AJ laughed once. "You sound really freaked out, man. If you have a problem, I don't really think Lucas is the best person to-"

"AJ, I just really really have to talk to Lucas it's so fucking serious like you have no idea!!"

"Okaaayyy, whoa, I think he's on register."

Mark sped off.

It was a slow, pot-filled Sunday in the late morning, in the summertime. Lucas was the only one on register. He stood there with his arms crossed, occasionally fiddling with the register a bit, just to keep his hands entertained. Thoughts flowed around in currents in his brain. Among these were thoughts on how materialism represents itself in unexpected places in society among every age group, what kind of additives were in that pack of mints he had for breakfast and what odd effects they will have on his stomach, and _Why did I wear a turtleneck again today? It's so fucking hot._ That last thought made Lucas very bothered.

Also, Joe had gotten pissed at him for something that morning, something to the effect of him not being anywhere in the store when Joe needed him and then popping up behind him in his office. Details were blurry. But Joe had angrily ordered Lucas to stand at the cash register and not move a muscle. So Lucas took the order to heart and not moved from that standing position, not even moved his legs much, for three hours.

So Lucas was starting to get dizzy, too.

And then, of course, you add to it the fact that Mark was now sticking a jar of cow brains under his nose.

"Mark."

"Yes."

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Are you tempted?"

"I beg your pardon?"

Mark stepped back. "Do these tempt you, Lucas?"

Lucas swallowed. "Yes, they tempt me, Mark. They taunt me in a way I've never been taunted before."  
Mark's eyes widened.

"Do you know what they're saying?"

Mark shook his head. "No. Ohmygod. What are they saying?"

Lucas smiled. And said nothing. He turned back to the register and focused on it, still smiling.

"What are they saying? What are they saying, Lucas?!" Mark looked like he might cry (it wouldn't be the first time due to an interaction with Lucas).

Lucas let out a very small laugh and leaned forward and rested his head on the register. "Silly Mark. I do not want any of those whatever they ares."

"Are you sure?"

"Please leave before I vomit on you."

Mark stared, paralyzed. Probably by fear… who honestly likes vomit?

Lucas realized the only way to get Mark to go away was to say something scary and Lucas-like. "Or emit bad ju-ju waves or something."

Mark sped off once again.

And Lucas was at peace.

---

"I'm telling you. I'm sure he's not a zombie. I showed him the brains and he said he was gonna puke."

"What if he was lying?" Eddie said. "Why did you leave the scene so quickly?"

"I think if he was a zombie, he would have just attacked me. The smell would have made him all crazy-like. And I left because Lucas was scaring me."

"I think you're right about the zombie thing. And everything he does scares me."

"Yeah!!"

"The next test is to see if he's… a werewolf."

"But he's not hairy."

"Neither are you! What a stupid thing to say."

Mark paused in thought for a minute, but it wasn't registering, so he just moved on. "So how do we test for that?"

Eddie reached into the bag once again.

---

Mark returned to where Lucas was. Lucas was once again bent over with his head on the cash register. A sweet little old lady was at the register, staring at him, ready to buy something, but not knowing if she should say something or not.

Mark smiled at her. "Hello, ma'am," He poked Lucas.

Lucas shot up. "Meditating!! Meditating. Sorry. Oh, you're not Joe. Never mind… about the sorry part." Lucas blinked a few times. "I'm feeling a little better now, Mark. I still dislike your presence, but I mean, don't take it personally, I dislike that in many people… do you need something?"

Mark held up a package of meat.

Lucas stared at it for a second. "I'm not a good cook."

"Does this tempt you, Lucas?"

Lucas stared for another second. "It certainly is… lustful, but I was never one for red meat. Especially not raw and saran-wrapped."

"Oh. Hey, yeah!" Mark laughed his Mark Laugh. "I've never seen you eat red meat. Or any meat." He stopped laughing and thought. "Wait, I've never seen you eat at all. Except Mountain Dew."

"One doesn't eat Mountain Dew. One drinks it, or imbibes it, or consumes it, or in Spanish, you _bebes_ it, or _tocas_ it – that's conjugated, by the way – or in French, you do the French verb for drinking."

"Kaythanksbye!"  
And away Mark scurried.

Lucas began to ring up the nice, confused old lady (he was nice to her because he like little old ladies. Not in that way, you perv.)

Mark came back.

Lucas was beginning to get annoyed by this. "What, Mark?"

Mark thrust a silver knife in front of his face, almost stabbing him with it. The little old lady gasped, threw a bill at Lucas, and ran off (as much as little old ladies could).

"Mark, before I ask what you're doing, dare I ask who in their right mind gave you a knife?"

"Do you feel, like, bad?"

"I feel as good as one with a knife in front of their face can feel."

"No, I mean, from the knife itself."

"I don't feel safe, if that's what you mean."

"No! Lucas! It's silver!" He said at is if to say _Lucas, you idiot!_ "I mean, does that make you feel weird?!"

Lucas was getting quite frustrated. "No, it just makes me curious as to who trusts you not only with pointy silverware, but high quality pointy silverware!"

Mark continued pointing.

"Mark. Usually you're so well-behaved. Will you please get that out of my face?"

Mark pointed and narrowed his eyes, trying to seem intimidating and probably coming off more like mildly adorable.

_Being nice didn't work… I guess I better try being weird again._ "Mark. I compel you to put that down before karma bowls you over like the pin you are."

Mark shook the knife at him.

"Not funny anymore," Lucas reached out to grab the knife (he wasn't worried about getting stabbed, because he figured since it was just Mark, he could probably just grab the knife from him).

Mark dropped the knife the second Lucas touched it and scampered off.

---

"…Okay, so are you clear? Just ask him these questions and write down what he says. We'll analyze the results when you get back." Eddie handed Mark a clipboard. "And hurry up. I'm getting tired of this closet. There are so many things in here that I want to, you know, smoke, but I know I shouldn't."

"I don't know, Eddie. He wasn't a zombie or a werewolf. What if he's not any of these things? I think he's getting mad." It appeared Mark's high was wearing off.

"Here, Mark. Some pot will give you more courage." Eddie handed Mark his already lit joint.

---

"Hello, good sir. May I ask you a few questions?" Mark read off the clipboard.

Lucas was still at the register with a Mountain Dew and a Mystery Dessert in a black Tupperware container. "Only if I can ask you some questions, too." Lucas had decided yesterday that he would only eat foods with the word 'mystery' in them.

"First we're going to play word ass… assume… association!" He giggled. "Word association. When I say a word, you tell me what comes to mind." He adjusted his pen. "Outer space."

"Mountain Dew," He took a sip of it.

"Anal probe."

"Um… flan?" Lucas really didn't even know what he was eating.

Mark knitted his eyebrows. Those answers weren't seeming otherwordly, just weird. Either that or Alien Lucas wasn't falling for the word association tricks. "It's time to move on. I'll just ask you some questions for staahh… station… statistical! Statistical purposes!" Somewhere, there's an Eddie fancying himself a genius for adding that phrase to the question sheet. "So, Lucas, what's your favorite pastime?"

"There is no past time."

Mark pondered that, then had the best moment of insight in his life when he realized it was no use and moved on to the next question. "Some of your daily routines are…?"

"I change it everyday. If you do things on a daily basis, death will know where to find you."

"Okay. And… did your mother give birth to you?"

Lucas wasn't fazed by the sudden mood change of the questions. "Unfortunately."

"Okay, and-"

"Survey over."

"Pardon?"

"You don't have any more questions."

"I… don't…? What?"

"Don't forget what you have to do."

"Oh! Right!" Mark laughed and started to run back to Eddie. But then he realized he had been fooled. He started back to Lucas. "Heeeyyy. Wait a minute. Lucas-"

"OHMYGOD, MARK, GET OUT OF HERE."

Mark yelped and ran away.

---

"Mark, you didn't get all of the questions answered!" Eddie looked over the list. "And you doodled on it."

"Eddie, I'm not doing this anymore! Lucas always scared me, but now that you're making him angry, he's really scary!" Mark was cowering in a corner, rocking back and forth a bit next to a mop and a bucket of water.

"What? You're backing down?" Eddie stomped his foot. "Dammit! I knew this would happen when I send someone none-experienced out into the open like this. Come on, Mark, there's only one more test! He has to be a vampire! There's no other option! We just need proof!"

"Then you do the test!" Mark was sobbing now.

"SEE THAT I DO! Hand me that bucket!"

Mark used both hands to give him the heavy bucket.

"This…" Eddie tapped the gray plastic bucket. "Is full of holy water. If Lucas reacts to it, then we know for sure he's a vampire."

Mark sniffed. "Who baptized it?"

"My uncle. He's Christian."

Mark nodded – that made perfect sense. "Okay. Are you gonna do it now?"

"Yes!!"

"Good luck, Eddie!"

---

Lucas was staring at the ingredients list of Mountain Dew when Eddie came up, looking determined. "Oh. Hello, Eddie. Good thing you're not Mark or I might just-" Eddie interrupted him by pouring the entire bucket onto Lucas.

-------------

"This may be the first time in my life that I don't blame Lucas," Joe said, shock as evident as it could be in his emotionally numb voice.

"You only don't blame him because wet people look innocent," Eddie grumbled, sitting on the leopard print sofa, pressing an ice pack to his eye.

"This question may be a surprising question for you, Eddie, but why did you pour water on Lucas?"

Mark answered. "We were testing to see if he was a vampire?"

Joe took a moment to answer. "I don't know why I was expecting a serious answer… you'd think I know better by now."

"Joe, it's for the good of you, and the others, and Empire Records, and the WORLD!" Eddie insisted.

"We needed to prove that Lucas isn't human!" Mark said.

Once again, Joe needed a few seconds to let that last bit click. "Okay… and can you think of possibly a more human response to something than punching people in the face when they pour buckets of water on you? You guys are idiots."

Mark nodded, then looked down. Eddie crossed his arms and looked defeated.

"I'm just kidding," Joe smiled and walked away. "Everyone knows Lucas isn't human." And then he was gone.

Mark and Eddie looked at each other in shock.

"Is he… is he kidding?!" Mark asked.

"I-I don't know! What if- what if they're on the same side…?!" Eddie rambled.

"They'll ambush us! They're making a new race!"

"No, wait, wait!" Eddie caught his breath. "Maybe, uh, heh, maybe it's just a joke. Like you said. Joe likes pulling our legs. He called us idiots."

They sat there, shaking and pretending not to be scared for another minute or so.

Lucas walked on. Mark and Eddie froze and stared at him in horror as Lucas ignored them and made his way over to the closet. He was whistling a happy little tune. He unlocked the closet door with a few keys and started to go inside, but at the last moment, leaned out the door and looked at Mark and Eddie. They were staring at him, unblinkingly. Lucas gave them a toothy smile before slowly going back into the closet and saying something that would be on their minds forever (or at least until the next trip): "First victims. Muaahahaha…"


End file.
